4 things to do if your partner is in debt

Content Type: Article

Is your partner in debt? Here’s how to talk to them about money and come up with a debt settlement plan that’ll ultimately help you both.

By Emily Guy Birken

Millie, a content program about women and money, is licensed from Dotdash Meredith, publisher of Real Simple, InStyle, Investopedia, The Balance and more.

Anyone who has ever been in a relationship knows that money can cause stress and dissonance in even the most loving partnerships. And one of the biggest financial concerns that can cause strife? Debt.

Indeed, according to a 2023 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, finances were the primary reason for 40% of disagreements in long-term relationships. Another study found that 86% of couples who got married in the previous five years had started out in debt—with more debt leading to more arguments. In comparison, the same study shows that only about 25% of debt-free couples say they argue about money.

If you end up marrying your partner, they can bring that debt baggage (whether student, credit card or another type—ahem, gambling) to the altar. In general, creditors can’t come after you, but your jointly held assets could be at risk. Once you tie the knot, in certain states, you could be held responsible for any debts your spouse incurs, even if you’re not on the loan. Since state laws vary, you may want to check with a local lawyer if you’re concerned.

To make matters worse, many couples consider money a taboo subject and avoid talking about it altogether (even after they get married)—until it comes out in one of those hissing-at-each-other-through-clenched-teeth discussions in public.

While getting on the same page with your beloved may take some work, it will ultimately be better for your relationship, your peace of mind and your bottom line. Here’s what you and your partner can do to ease some of your debt anxiety.

Be honest (but not brutal)

The first step is bringing it up as soon as you feel comfortable—and especially if the relationship is getting serious. Does your partner have any debt? How much? From what? How are they working to pay it off? You need to understand the landscape before you can tackle the issue.

That might be easier said than done. Sean Allen, CEO of financial software company WizeFi, has seen couples deal with all kinds of financial problems—but matters of debt seem to be especially hard to talk about. “Uncovering the truth is a difficult thing when it comes to debt because there’s often a lot of blame associated with it,” Allen says.

So approach the conversation with empathy and try to remain judgment-free. Otherwise, it will be hard for your partner to open up.

How those conversations play out can differ depending on how long you’ve been with your partner—whether you’re long-married, still in the honeymoon stage or just dating. “Couples that have been together for a long time don’t have any problem throwing punches,” Allen explains. “The couples who are relatively new are a little bit more polite.”

The lesson here is that not letting your partner know that you have questions and concerns about their debt won’t help the situation. Being open and honest will be much more fruitful. Just bring your frank opinions to the table gently rather than throwing verbal haymakers.

Understand the ramifications

If you learn that your partner has a significant amount of debt, it’s a good idea to talk about how that debt will affect their life … and yours. This makes the debt feel real rather than some far-off, intangible thing that can be dealt with down the line.

“I like to show people what their financial future looks like if they keep making the same choices,” he says. “When people see they will be 95 years old before they can retire, that gets their attention. They’re willing to reshape the way they think about their money.”

When you’re feeling stressed about your partner’s debt, consider doing some similar projections. Even some back-of-the-envelope calculations about the long-term cost of debt—like how it affects your credit score, potentially making you ineligible for some home loans or preventing you from taking a nice vacation—can help you and your partner get in sync about paying it off.

The key is defining the cost of the debt in a way that is emotionally meaningful to both of you. With that cost redefined, it is much simpler to work together to eliminate debts.

Come up with a plan of action

It’s important to discuss both of your expectations around the debt. Do you both consider it their debt and their financial responsibility? Or does your partner expect you to help pay it off? Do you have a significantly higher salary and are willing to contribute? (If you have a joint account, you may have no choice in the eyes of creditors.) Even if you keep your money separate, you may want to get involved if your partner’s debts are damaging the overall financial well-being of the partnership.

Whatever you decide, part of your discussion should be coming up with a plan for tackling the debt—which, in turn, will help alleviate some of the anxiety you’re feeling about it. Here are several options for different types of debt and a few strategies that may help:

Credit cards. Ideally, you and your partner should be paying off your balances in full and on time to avoid late fees, high penalty interest rates and hits to your credit score. If this isn’t feasible, see if they can transfer the balance to a credit card with a lower introductory interest rate and pay off as much as possible while the rate is low.
Student loans. The quicker your partner can pay off their student loans, the more they’ll save in interest. A few ways to do this are to make extra payments, refinance the loans and set up autopay (which will get them an interest rate discount on federal loans). If accelerating payments isn’t a good match, switching to an income-driven plan or consolidating student loans will extend the payoff time but may be less of a financial burden in your and your partner’s day-to-day life.
High-interest loans. One popular strategy for tackling debt is known as the avalanche method, which dictates that you should pay down your highest-interest debt first. Once that one is clear, pay off the next highest-interest debt. This will help your partner (and you, either indirectly or directly) save money on interest over the long term.
Debt consolidation. If your partner’s debt is somewhat manageable, rolling multiple debts into a single payment that offers a lower interest rate may help your partner pay it off faster.

Don’t let debt get between you

Money may be a common stressor in relationships, but it doesn’t have to be. Open communication can help you feel more connected—financially and emotionally. “It’s all about getting on the same page about what you really want,” Allen says.

Emily Guy Birken is a former educator, lifelong money nerd and Plutus Award–winning freelance writer. She is the author of five books including “The 5 Years Before You Retire.” Emily lives in Milwaukee with her spouse, two sons, a dog and a cat.